Nickelodeon is nothing but slime

By: Alyssa Pozen

Before it spiraled downhill and created shows with talking dogs and whiny children, Disney Channel (DC) was a highlight of a ‘90s kid’s childhood. All of the daily stressors of being a kid melted away when flipping to this channel. While DC was taking a short commercial break, ‘90s kids would turn on Nickelodeon just to pass time and couldn’t wait to return to the promise land: Disney Channel.
I mean Raven, from “That’s So Raven,” who could predict the future. Psychic powers? Check. As if that wasn’t mind blowing enough, 21st century man, Phil, from “Phil of The Future,” time travel. While Disney was exceeding the laws of physics, Nickelodeon was still obsessing over dumping green slime on their D-list talentless celebrities.
Drake and Josh for TV’s best set of brothers? Think again. Zack and Cody Martin (Suite Life of Zack and Cody), who are actually blood related, lived in a luxurious hotel in Boston which included a game room, a pool, and even their own bell boy Esteban Julio Roberto Montoya Dela Rosa Ramirez. They did whatever the heck they wanted and got away with everything. Not a match for Drake and Josh who were too dumb and always got caught by their younger evil sister, Megan, who referred to them as parts of the female anatomy.
While watching Lizzie McGuire we learned how to diss the losers from Kate Sanders, “What’s your email? Lizzie@big_fat_loser.com?” WORLD STAR. WORLD STAR. Also, Lizzie McGuire basically created “friendzoning.” Poor Gordo.
“Nickelodeon, Ima let you finish, but Beans from Even Stevens was the best television character of all time,” is what Kanye West would have said if Beans got snubbed of this award and lost to someone like Jamie Lynn Spears-pregnancy drop out from Zoey 101. *DROPS MIC*
Anyways, back to the man, the myth, the legend: Beans. First of all, his name is Beans, and he doesn’t take no for an answer. He’s the crazy neighbor of the Stevens who comes into the their house, uninvited, pranks them, and then refuses to leave. Beans didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose him.
Nineties kids even got the treat of witnessing the “best of both worlds” of Miley Cyrus from Hannah Montana at her best and at her absolute worst (we all knew it was coming). DC helped us learn that people change and that you have to accept it, even if they are twerking on Robin Thicke on national television.
Bored on a Friday night? Not if you turned on DC. They kept their kids in good hands with premiering or rerunning their ORIGINAL movies playing classics like High School Musical (box office hit), Cheetah Girls, Johnny Tsunami, My Date with the President’s Daughter, and the memorable, Max Keeble’s Big Move.
DC was so good that they even had their own olympics: Disney Channel Summer Games. This was hands down a bigger deal than the Summer Olympics. The rivalry between the High School Musical duo, Corbin Bleu and Zac Efron, was so intense it made the rivalry between NBA stars Larry Bird and Magic Johnson look weak.
Old Disney Channel (DC) will forever hold a special place in the hearts of millions of ‘90s kids, while Nickelodeon will always be remembered as the green waste of slime that no one wanted.
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Disney: not so magical after all

By: Nick Todd

Flashback to ten years ago: it’s four o’clock in the afternoon, you just got home from a long, arduous day of elementary school, when you’re faced with the painstaking decision of choosing between Ned’s Declassified: School Survival Guide or The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.
Choosing between the best of Disney and the best of Nickelodeon was almost as strenuous as Andre 3000 deciding what’s cooler than being cool. Both featured fresh, exuberant animated shows, such as Spongebob Squarepants, Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius and Rugrats on Nickelodeon and Disney features such as Kim Possible and Phineas and Ferb.
Highlighting the live action shows for Nickelodeon are Ned’s Declassified, Drake and Josh and iCarly; Disney presented shows such as That’s So Raven, Hannah Montana, and Zack and Cody. Yet, despite the few extraordinary shows that were on Disney, Nickelodeon’s superior depth and peak fame reigns champion in this showdown.
For starters, Nickelodeon had a better reputation. Did they make a good Zack and Cody movie? Nope. How about That’s So Raven? Script was written but no movie was ever produced. How about the Kim Possible movie? It was horrible. Meanwhile, Nickelodeon movie’s were childhood classics. The first Spongebob Squarepants movie grossed $140 million in the box office, and the Drake and Josh movies were favorite amongst our age group ten years ago. Along with the positive acclaim of Drake and Josh, there was a Jimmy Neutron movie that received a 75% vote on Rotten Tomatoes.
Along with critical box office success, Nickelodeon shows were generally much more popular than Disney shows– Until 2012, Disney was far behind in ratings. For example, Spongebob and Drake and Josh, Nickelodeon’s two (arguably) most successful show, were recipients of much more awards than Disney’s Zack and Cody and Hannah Montana. Although Hannah Montana had a cult-like following amongst elementary school girls, and Zack and Cody was an all-around great show, Nickelodeon’s two premier shows were much more consistent (I’m excluding Spongebob post-2007 because it has been abysmal for almost a decade now).
Another aspect that separates Nickelodeon from Disney is that it was better perceived amongst both boys and girls. Disney featured predominantly shows targeted towards females. Meanwhile, most successful Nickelodeon shows appealed to both audiences. The only two Nickelodeon shows that were more popular among one gender were Zoey 101 and The Amanda show. On the other hand, Disney produced an arsenal of girl-specific shows. This discrepancy makes Nickelodeon the clear favorite.
Lastly and most importantly, Nickelodeon starred the best show: Drake and Josh. From wacky Crazy Steve appearances to Megan weaseling her way out of trouble with everything, these two wreaked chaos in every single circumstance they were put in. Who runs over a person with their car on the way to the Oprah show— only to find out it was Oprah herself. Josh taught guys how not to flirt with girls, as Drake had us learn how unlucky even the most slick people could get.
Ultimately, Drake and Josh reigned supremacy over all childhood shows. The wit and sheer talent of the cast catapulted Nickelodeon to uncharted level that has yet to be reached by Disney, therefore making Nickelodeon the victor.