This week, the Bachelor moves the action to the beaches of Fort Lauderdale. It is “a beautiful place to fall in love,” notes Arie, who clearly has never seen an episode of MTV Spring Break.

One-on-One Date
Once the women are properly settled in their penthouse suite, the Bachelor abruptly shows up in an all-blue ensemble to steal Chelsea away for the first one-on-one of the week. And wouldn’t you know it, it’s on a yacht. A typical bachelor date site. It isn’t long before producers lead the other girls to a telescope on the balcony…just in time to see the Bachelor and Chelsea “Titanic-ing” on the bow of the yacht.

Over dinner, the Bachelor presses Chelsea for details on her past relationship, and it’s certainly not a boring backstory: Her child’s father was older and had money—but he left Chelsea for another woman when her son was six months old. She talks about how much she loves her son, and it’s honestly touching. “I was left with, literally, my belongings in trash bags,” recalls Chelsea, tearing up. Arie reacts with “Wow, that must have been like, so hard.”

Ugh, remember three weeks ago when we didn’t like Chelsea? Anyway, she gets the date rose.

Group Date
On to the group date! Maquel, Krystal, Bekah M., Becca K., Jenna, Seinne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacquline, and Lauren B. meet Arie at the Holiday Bowling Lanes…because there’s no time to spare. Get it? Also, kudos to whichever producer talked Arie into licking a filthy bowling ball. Also, Marikh bowls using both hands, which I identify with on a spiritual level.

When the time comes to divide into teams for a bowling showdown — winners get to go to the after-party, and losers go back to the hotel — Krystal is so desperate to get more time with Arie she actually says a prayer that her team will win. After Krystal’s prayer, The Spare Roses do, in fact, trounce the Pin Ups.

As the Pin Ups console each other in the locker room, our Bachelor sits alone by the lanes, pondering his options. Though he’s supposed to send the losing team home, he decides that everyone should come! Squeals all around! Krystal, however, is all kinds of pissed. “Like, why’d you change your mind?” she huffs. Apparently her hissy fit continued and intensified on the ride back to the hotel. “On the bus, on the way home, Krystal literally, like, lost her mind,” reports Ashley.

The other ladies are doing their best to push past the latest Krystal drama, but then she swans into the room, still wearing her bathrobe, and announces she’s not going with them to the after-party. Everyone there knows Krystal is really just having a “temper tantrum,” so they leave her to it and head out to meet Arie at the bar. He’s not there 30 seconds before the women start filling him in on their rival’s meltdown. Because this isn’t Arie’s first rodeo, he knows this is his cue to go “check” on Krystal — which is, of course, exactly what Krystal wants him to do.

First he addresses Krystal for talking smack about him, and then he makes a remarkably sensible observation about relationships: “This is exactly what couples can’t do — run away from their problem`s.” Whether Krystal is trying to “teach him a lesson” or whether she’s really that upset about a minor change of plans, Arie is not having it at all. That’s right, Krystal — you’ve been disinvited from the after-party. “I’ll see you in a few days,” says Arie curtly, before heading back upstairs.

Back at the party, everything’s humming along nicely until… That’s right, Krystal’s back! That sound you hear is everyone’s last nerve snapping. Lauren is so frustrated about Krystal’s spotlight-hogging antics she storms off in tears, while Bekah unloads her anger right to Krystal’s face. Meanwhile, Lauren has dried her tears in time to sit down with Arie for a fun game of “21 Questions.” She grills him about his favorite color and his egg-and-toast preferences, but when it’s Arie’s turn, he attempts to go a little deeper: “What are you scared of, in all this?” Short answer: rejection, emotional annihilation, a lonely and miserable death. And he LOVES it. Lauren gets the date rose.

One-on-One Date
The next day, it’s time for Tia’s first one-on-one date of the season. Just as he regionally profiled Tia before with the hay bales and moonshine set-up at the mansion, once again Arie arranges a “country” date (a fan-boat tour of the Everglades) for his “country girl.” It’s gator time, y’all!

Update: They see an alligator, and it starts hissing at Arie and Tia, which is proof you should never go outside ever. Arie says this reminds him that “love can be kind of scary,” which I’m audibly laughing at. Dude, there was an alligator five feet from you! There’s nothing like floating next to a prehistoric killing machine to remind you how scary love can be, or something. (Seriously, Team Bachelor, you’re really reaching here.)

Arie and Tia’s tour concludes at a rustic cabin on stilts in the middle of the Everglades, built with love by a nice old man named Gerald. He treats them to a hearty meal of fried frog legs, catfish, and deep-fried corn on the cob. It’s truly a dream date, and Arie and Tia are getting along famously. More interesting, though, is their conversation at dinner about religion — and what’s interesting about it is how vague they’re both being. The closest the Bachelor comes to saying he doesn’t believe in God is asking Tia, “Could you be married to someone who…doesn’t have that faith?”

Even if Arie is a godless heathen, he’s still way more qualified to be a husband than Tia’s past boyfriends — guys who “don’t have it all together” and whom Tia tried to “fix.” Now that she’s found a man who isn’t (too) broken, Tia’s ready to go next-level, baby. She tells him she is falling in love with him. Whoa! Girl, it’s only week five! Don’t you know that you’re supposed to keep your “falling in loves” to yourself until the week before hometowns? Even so, Arie LOVES it. Tia gets the date rose — and a patented Arie Luyendyk Jr. smooch.

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony
When the final cocktail party rolls around, the ladies are still annoyed with Krystal — who has apparently spent the last two days moping in her room. Or, to hear her tell it, she was “growing” and “discovering” her truth after the fight with Arie. Just when it looks like she’s a goner, though, Krystal pulls out some quality emotional baggage to explain her actions. Krystal pulls Arie aside and says her response to the bowling drama was “out of character.” She says she “grew up in a bowling alley” (???) and was having flashbacks to her childhood during that date. What is she even saying?! Basically, when she was growing up, her emotionally distant mom worked in a bowling alley — so that date, she says, triggered a lot of unpleasant childhood memories. And Arie’s decision to backtrack on the “losers go home” decision, Krystal adds, reminded her of all the deadbeat guys her mom dated who broke promise after promise, leaving her mom “really broken.”

Arie, however, seems immune to Krystal’s tale of woe. “If you think this is hard, after this it’s twice as hard, or more,” he says. Even when his date tries to lighten the mood by batting her eyelashes and cooing, “This is our first fight,” the Bachelor refuses to play along, firing back, “This could be our last fight.” Oof. Another fun tidbit from the cocktail party: Kendall would “totally” eat human flesh if she happened to visit a cannibal tribe. Hmmm…

At the end, though, the roses go to: Bekah M., Seinne, Kendall, Becca K., Jacqueline, Jenna, and…sigh…Krystal. Alas, that means it’s the end of the “journey” for Ashley, Marikh, and Maquel. Everyone’s going to Paris next week, so you know what that means: More smack-talk about Krystal! In Europe!