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Bachelor recap: Ding, dong, the witch is dead!

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Bonjour Bachelor Nation! This week, Arie and the ladies head to Paris, the perfect place to fall in love. Although, it’s hard to make Paris interesting when the Bachelor is about as interesting as a dry baguette… but continue ahead we must! No matter how dull it might get, this is The Bachelor, after all, and some romance may occur.

One-on-One Date
The last remaining Lauren gets the first one-on-one of the week, one of the most mind-numbing dates in history, which starts with a boat ride down the Seine. Arie takes Lauren B. out in Paris, where they struggle to make a spark. Lauren seems hesitant to chat. Lauren seems hesitant to express any sort of emotion, actually. Call me crazy, but Lauren seems entirely disinterested in Arie, period. “More and more of her personality is coming out through these last few weeks,” notes Arie. On the contrary, Lauren really does not bring her personality A-game to the date, at least initially. She and Arie walk in silence down the city streets, and every time the Bachelor tries to engage her about the incredible sights they’re seeing, Lauren has just one thing to say: “wow”.

“Look at the beautiful architecture of the Notre-Dame Cathedral, what do you think Lauren?”

Girl, it’s the Notre-Dame Cathedral — couldn’t you muster up another syllable or two? “Sorry,” she giggles after yet another lengthy pause in the conversation. “I’m just taking it all in.” Arie’s response to Lauren’s reticence is interesting: rather than just being bored by her, he starts to worry that she’s just not that into him. “I would love more than anything for you to like me,” he says eagerly, to which Lauren replies…“Yeah.” Either she is an expert at playing hard to get, or Lauren legitimately has nothing to say.

During their dinner, Lauren tries to explain herself. She’s afraid of opening up, which is something she’s brought up before. Let’s put a pin in that for a minute, because first, Arie has something pretty major to reveal about his past: Lauren has barely managed to spit out that she has trust issues when Arie drops this bomb. Once upon a time, Arie’s girlfriend was pregnant with his child. While Arie was traveling, though, she lost the baby, and she broke up with him. Okay, Lauren — you gotta give the poor guy something. After Lauren opens up about her parents’ rough marriage and adds a failed engagement to the mix, Lauren has finally given us — and Arie — some real reasons for why she’s so “guarded.” And he LOVES it. Even after an awkward, silence-filed date, Arie desperately wants this to work, so Lauren gets the rose.

Group Date
Group date time! Becca K., Seinne, Bekah M., Tia, Chelsea, and Jenna meet Arie on a beautiful day for a walk around Paris…directly to the landmark cabaret: Moulin Rouge. The ladies get all dressed up in glitzy cabaret costumes and learn a routine to perform; however, rather than all of the ladies performing on stage, only the one who gets the date rose will get to strut her stuff in front of a live audience — with Arie, of course.

The ladies ready to strut the runway at the Moulin Rouge and win the Bachelor’s heart

At the after party, though, Arie insists that he’ll be handing the rose out on the basis of “connection,” not just booty-shaking. Bekah M. tells him she’s starting to feel jealous of the other women; Tia says she’s starting to daydream about him; and Seinne says, “I’m really happy to be in Paris with you” in French (nice move!). But the rose goes to… Bekah! Get your glitter on, girl, because it’s time to strut your stuff at Moulin Rouge.

Bekah claims her victory and gets to awkwardly lip sync while the other ladies watch

Two-on-One Date
And now, it’s time for the two-on-one date, starring…Kendall and Krystal! The two-on-one date, aka The Bachelor’s own version of The Hunger Games, has a simple premise: two girls, one Bachelor, one rose. Intense right? Krystal and Kendall get dropped off at a chateau in the French countryside for their date to look at art and architecture. As they stroll through the grounds, the Bachelor reminds us via voice over what his concerns are with each women: Kendall’s never had a long-term relationship or been in love; Krystal was a psycho in Fort Lauderdale. Hmm tough decision.

Arie faces a tough decision on the two-on-one date: taxidermy-girl Kendall or baby-voice villain Krystal?

Of course, though, Krystal can’t quit while she’s ahead. Instead, she has to spend some time taking shots at Kendall — because, like, Kendall’s never been in love, and, like, is she really open to falling in love, and like, is she even ready to get married? “I feel 99 percent sure she’s going home tonight,” purrs Krystal. “So, may the best girl win.” Kendall, bless her dead-animal-loving heart, does not appear to get flustered at all when Arie fills her in on what Krystal said. “I can see marriage in you. I can see love forever in you,” she insists.

But Kendall is not too shook to confront Krystal face to face. “Saying the thing that’s most hurtful doesn’t necessarily mean you win,” Kendall says calmly. “It means you hurt somebody.” And because Kendall is a decent human being who wants to respond to Krystal’s rudeness with compassion, she scoots closer to her on the couch and tries to have a heart-to-heart. Krystal, who seems grossed out by Kendall’s humanity, gives her a smug smile and a condescending, “I don’t really have words.”

Arie ultimately sends Krystal home, leaving her shocked and audiences cheering (Oh, did you forget about Arie? Because I did, too, during this date) and whisks Kendall to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

The dearly departed Krystal who never saw it coming

One-on-One Date
Wow, after all that drama it’s hard to believe that we still have one more date to get through — but it’s Jacqueline’s turn in the spotlight. After a shaky start in a broken down convertible, Arie makes it up to her by buying her a dress (or rather, the producers buying her a dress). (Editor’s note: Arie trying to fix the broken down car was possibly the only time I found him attractive this season.) Things only get better for Jacqueline from there, when Arie confesses that he initially worried she was “far too intelligent for me.” Oh yeah, she definitely is. And she’s still got six more years to go before earning her Ph.D. Can Arie handle a woman who isn’t going to pack up and move to Scottsdale and start pumping out babies? Well…

Oh No! Arie’s confused look can only mean one thing: the car is broken!

Jacqueline gets the rose! I’ll admit, I thought she was a goner.

Rose Ceremony
Let’s keep this speedy: roses go to Tia, Seinne, and Becca, which means we must say goodbye to Chelsea and Jenna.

Well, Bachelor Nation, we’ve come to the end of another week – wait, what’s that? Lauren having a meltdown to a producer? Looks like she’s feeling stressed out about, you know, watching Arie date other women and stuff. Girl, you better toughen up and get ready to carbo-load in Tuscany. Before you go, rose lovers, let me know your thoughts: did Arie make the right choice sending Krystal home? (HA HA HA HA just kidding, of course he did.)

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About the Writer
Isabelle Dyer, Features Editor

Isabelle Dyer is a senior, and this is her first year on staff as Features Editor.  She is involved in Drama, Concert Choir, and York Dance Company, so...

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Bachelor recap: Ding, dong, the witch is dead!