Rejected senior superlatives

We all know what the “standard” superlatives are. Best Dressed, Cutest Couple, Most Likely to Perish in a Fiery Car Wreck…. Always the same, always boring. So this year, Is This York? has decided to give the people what they want. Granted, we were barred by our journalism advisers from putting them in the spring issue, BUT we still wanted to publish our work. Without further ado, here are our 2019 rejected superlatives:

1. Most likely to be a teacher even though they “hate children”

You know that friend who, when asked what they want to do with their life, says, “Ugh, I don’t know… teaching? I guess? That seems easy.” Unfortunately, this one got rejected as we think it struck a nerve with our journalism teachers.

2. Most likely to console a grieving family member by saying “It be like that sometimes”

At least it’s better than “YOLO.”

3. Most likely to climb Mount Everest but die falling down the stairs

Think of the most athletic people you know. Then think of the dumbest people you know. The middle of that Venn diagram is where this superlative falls.

4. Most likely to have their first dance at their wedding be to “thank u, next” or “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”

All we’re saying is, seven significant others in four years plus four side hustles and a scare with a second cousin doesn’t reflect too well on your marital ambitions.

5. Most likely to complain that they didn’t get into a college because they grew up in “too nice of a neighborhood”

“God sometimes I just wish I was a minority” – Naive white person #10,003

6. Most likely to be a frequent Groupon user

Think tidy, smart, well-organized, utterly boring (on the outside)… etc.

7. Most likely to be a frequent Grindr user

Likely the same person as above.

8. Most likely to retire before Ms. Fleming

Ms. Fleming is the immortal being of York High School, and you can’t argue with that fact.

9. Most likely to proclaim themselves the most patriotic person ever and then wear the flag as a cape to prove it

USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USSR USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA

10. Most likely to collect vintage clocks

…

11. Least likely to collect vintage clocks

……

12. Most likely to marry their microwave

Hey, sometimes you really need a Hot Pocket. And other times you need the warm feeling of hugging your best friend. This person will have both. Group showers, however, will have to be ruled out.

13. Most likely to go to an Ivy League (after their parents “donate” a large sum of money)

“Sure, sometimes people with a 24 on their ACT get into Yale. Obviously, they deserved it.” – Jeremiah Quinlan, Dean of Admissions at Yale, casually leaning on his new Bugatti.

14. Most likely to take a gap year and pull a Christopher McCandless

This “free spirit” might have a wicked story about backpacking across the country, but unfortunately they can’t tell that story to anyone after they die of starvation in the frozen Alaskan wilderness.

15. Most likely to forget Valentine’s Day but remember Saint Patrick’s Day

We don’t mean to @ any E-dads but….

16. Most likely to be an unlicensed Elmo in Times Square part-time, and an unlicensed prostitute full time

You can probably guess why this one got rejected.