Secretary of Education Betsy Devos creates world’s first time machine
April 18, 2019
Breaking news: Secretary of Education Betsy Devos has successfully created the world’s first time machine. That’s right, the president’s hand-picked department representative, who has often been described as an “ignorant, incompetent, and utterly useless husk of a person”, the “end of public education as we know it”, and a “cross between a Connecticut-based stock photo grandma and a rottweiler”, finally went against the grain and did what no one thought possible: she accomplished something of significance.
This scientific revelation began as a simple idea. Devos believed that improving public education would be unnecessary if teachers could go back in time whenever a student didn’t understand a question. After all, fixing the root of a problem is a poor substitute for just finding a way to delay that problem.
While many were skeptical that someone who’s both heartless and spineless would even be able to stand, much less create a time machine, Betsy Devos has done the impossible: she has found a way to reverse time. Of course, in order to pay for this project, Devos had to cut funding to certain programs. These changes included:
- Taking money from inner-city schools and relocating part of it to private charter schools.
- Mandating all schools to have the same mascot to save money on costumes, with that mascot being the same as her local favorite football team: the Redskins.
- Reducing spending on lockers rooms by forcing everyone into the same one.
- Replacing all sex-ed classes with students staring at the word “Abstinence” for fifty minutes.
- Cutting funding for all world language classes as English is “the bestest language for students to learn”.
- Saving money on security by replacing the police liaisons’ weapons with balloon animals.
- Replacing all wheelchair accessible ramps and elevators with a single cement block so the students work harder.
- Mandate all girls to take a cooking and sewing class and all boys to take a knot-tying class.
- Swapping out all international culture clubs with a single “All Lives Matter” banner.
- Saving money on lunch foods by serving the same mystery meat every day, forcing vegans to just “suck it up”
- Hosting an annual in school purge.
- Cutting funding for the Special Olympics and special needs programs.
Truly, with all of these changes, Betsy Devos will soon be able to send our nation backward in time, proving that if you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, you just need to have that dog force its older tricks on everyone else.