An HR complaint from my two-year-old Golden Retriever

To Whom it may concern, 

I am writing to inform you about the continuous occurrence of discrimination I have experienced in this establishment or in my daily duties of a dog. By putting my complaints in a written correspondence, I hope that you will involve the proper employees to remedy this situation, and we all go home happy.

While I am constantly complimented and told that I am such “a good boy” and “a handsome puppy,”  I do not receive any rewards for my positive behavior. Just once I would like to be treated to a sniff of roadkill or a pick through the garbage can, but my other employees will not allow it. It’s always “Mac Stop,” “Mac don’t do that,” sometimes escalating to “Mac get over here.” Being a dog is hard and exhausting work, but I still do not get any benefits. 

In the beginning of my employment, I had to get caught up to speed on many difficult issues in a short amount of time. I had to learn not to pee in the house, not to chew up the rug, along with other tough responsibilities and yet I was never given the credit I deserve. 

Only two years ago, I joined this establishment and I have felt a sense of inequality amongst my peers ever since. For example, the rest of my pack has the ability to eat fine dinery at the table while I am forced to beg for scraps. I have watched as they devoured burgers, spaghetti, steak, and other delicious foods without ever even offering to give me any. It saddens me that I must eat on the floor from a metal bowl like an animal while they get plates, napkins and even silverware!

While meal inequality is a major concern, I would also like to address the excessive lying I have noticed from my coworkers. In the morning after breakfast, my employees leave the house one by one with promises that they will “see me soon” and that they will “be right back” when in fact, it is hours before they return. I am not sure where they go, but it is usually hours before they return. They completely disregard the schedule I have advocated for, including cuddles, naps, treats and walks, and I cannot work with the inconsistency they have demonstrated. 

I am an easy-going employee and I do not require a long list of demands, but I have reached the final straw with my peers. This is supposed to be a setting of equal opportunities and I am not convinced that I am not being discriminated against because of my paws, tail, and fur. To remedy this situation, I only ask that my peers respect my schedule, allow me the equal opportunity to eat people food, and the ability to sometimes eat garbage. 

Thank you for taking the time to address these pressing issues and I hope that management will step in to help me fight these injustices from my peers. 

Sincerely, “A Good Boy” 

-Mac DeMotte