Photo Courtesy of Eric Andre
Photo Courtesy of Eric Andre

Dear Harvard

April 6, 2021

Dear Harvard,

Thank you for your interest in rejecting me. I am incredibly honored by your recognition of my lack of talent. Unfortunately, due to foreseen circumstances completely within my control, I regret to inform you that I am not able to accept your offer of rejection to the Harvard Class of 2025 at this time. 

As I’m sure you’re aware, this was an immensely challenging year to evaluate applicants. The pool of rejections I received was the largest ever, including offers of rejection from such prestigious institutions such as Hogwarts, Jedi Academy, and Hamburger University. Therefore, my decision comes not as a reflection of your academic qualifications, but of my own personal goal of becoming the real-life Elle Woods, despite not being legally blonde. 

Additionally, you stated you were “very sorry” you couldn’t admit me; if you were really sorry, you would’ve accepted me in the first place. For these reasons, as well as the additional reasons listed below, I am unable to accept this rejection.

  • I already put Harvard ‘25 in my Instagram bio
  • I look, like, really good in red 
  • I gave up Starbucks for a week to pay your $75 application fee
  • My family disowned my brother for going to Yale instead 
  • I had the Harvard “H” tattooed on my forehead
  • Did I mention how good I look in red??

Once again, thank you very much for your rejection and I wish you the best in all your future endeavors. I’m so excited to join the ranks of such famous Harvard alumni like Ted Kaczynski and Patrick Bateman. I’ll be seeing you on campus this fall. Go Crimson! 

Sincerely,

A Future Harvard Dropout

P.S. Best of luck to everyone this Ivy Day and with all your college decisions!

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