This New Fad: Masks
September 14, 2021
This is a satire article, published for Is This York? Satirical News.
There is nothing worse than showing up to the first day of school in last year’s drab. The old-fashioned look of sweaty undershirts, graphic tees, and no pants (because let’s be honest, your camera wasn’t on) is soooooooo last season. This season, clothes are back in style with a new twist: masks.
Masks go with pretty much every outfit. Sweaters, tank tops, and everything in-between complement the nice look of a mask. Whether you’re choosing the chic, blue, disposable mask or a designed and patterned mask that loudly screams to everyone how bland your personality is, the mask is a sure-fire way to make sure you look fashionable with all your friends — at a distance.
“But how do I wear a mask?” you may be asking. “I don’t watch the news, and I sure as heck don’t know how to pull off fashionable clothing. Hell, school is so stressful that I can barely show up to school on time after I spend multiple hours looking at what pair of sweats to put on to tell my peers that I don’t care about how I look. So how can I fashionably wear the mask?” This is where I, a fashionista, come in. From what I have seen around school, there are three key ways to pull off the mask.
- Wear your mask on your mouth and nose: This one is as simple as it sounds. If you want to show that you are a rule follower and that you are a five-fingered fan of Fauci, then this is the choice for you. Wearing your mask over your mouth is cool, but it’s also safe. And if you care for the survival of our species then this is a great way to show this off.
- Wear your mask under your nose: This is a style with a little flavor. Whether you want to show off that you take a walk on the wild side or you just want to prove that you totally watch college football, this might be the style for you. You’ll annoy teachers in all of your classes and you’ll be able to fit in with all the other students who don’t know how to wear their respective masks.
- Don’t wear a mask: This is for the bravest of souls, and probably also the dumbest. Sometimes putting a simple mask over your mouth and nose is just too hard. So this is an effective way to tell everyone that you straight up don’t care about the general health of the people around you. You’ll probably lose a few friends but this is for the quirkiest of people. The manic pixie dream girls of the world who want to show off their unique niche — and their unique stupidity.
And that’s about it. Hopefully, this should help you so that you can fit in with all the new trends at school. Stay safe, stay classy, and of course stay fashionable, dukes!
- Your fabulous friend, Owen Espinosa