As every Elmhurst resident (hopefully) knows, Dupage Natural Disaster Relief is currently in the process of digging several retention ponds across Elmhurst in response to the city’s unfortunate tendency to flood.

“Unless you’ve been in a coma for the last five years, you would recall the disastrous flooding we experienced back in 2013,” said Len Nix, Elmhurst Park District’s Director of Parks and Facilities. “I haven’t seen that much water since my wife went into labor. The city was in a state of emergency, just like the interior of my car.”

The instillation of retention ponds, of course, poses a hazard in numerous different ways, from removing green space to presenting a drowning risk to various environmental dangers.

In order to remedy these problems, Dupage Natural Disaster Relief has announced a rather yummy solution.

“We genuinely feel bad for both the environment and for the people who have the misfortune of living in the vicinity of these ponds,” said Daniela Lockwood, Chairwoman of the Retention Pond Planning Committee. “So we have decided that, to make up for this, we will be cultivating rice farms along the banks of the retention ponds. It’s great for the environment, and who doesn’t love a good ‘ol bowl of ‘I’m sorry’ rice?”

Dupage Natural Disaster Relief has also reported a plan to put up a Go Fund Me campaign to purchase water buffalo to help plow and harvest the rice crop.