Is This York? (satire section): RIP Ms. Vanessa


Photo by Liz Benvenuto

Recently York’s beautiful milkshake lady left us. She is gone, but not forgotten. Her beautiful smile no longer graces our presence, and the authoritarian frozen yogurt company is to blame. What problem does frozen yogurt have with the milkshake lady who does nothing but love her customers? Milkshake lovers everywhere are infuriated.

“The milkshake lady leaving has left emotionally destroyed,” said avid milkshake lover, Lillian Lactose. “Instead of a brain freeze, there’s a cold patch on my heart that the milkshake lady used to fill with her frosty creations.”

This truly selfless woman lifted spirits on a daily – even if you didn’t want a milkshake, she always had a smile to spare. If you couldn’t afford a milkshake, the milkshake lady was a giver and couldn’t let you leave without a smile or a snack.

The frozen yogurt company has stolen her lovely presence from us for reasons that include prohibiting the rights we have as consumers and as Americans: to purchase whenever we want. To add fuel to the fire, the frozen yogurt company blames the milkshake lady for problems that are completely unrelated to the beautiful sunshine that makes up her persona.

“I would say that my feelings towards the frozen yogurt company have changed my perspective on all things frozen and/or yogurt, and I will never ever forgive them,” said Jackie Icee, once a frozen yogurt lover turned into a hater by recent events. “It’s like the frozen yogurt company wants me to be miserable.”

Our milkshake lady is gone, but the people’s voices will not be silenced. Bring her back, frozen yogurt company, or you’ll regret ever shaking things up.